Where we are now, in Europe, it’s only 45 minutes from the midday time when we can check into our hostel. Lee’s off walking somewhere and I’m sitting on the hostel steps with my goofy little laptop. We had a disagreement about priorities, hidden messages, which of us was adapting better, all sorts of silly things that really managed to hurt. So we went for separate walks to waste the time even though I looked for her everywhere and know we’d have more fun together. I guess the combination of no actual sleep for well over 24 hours plus being within a few inchess of each other for almost all that waking time isn’t actually good for our relationship, which makes sense to me.
Soon, though, I trust she’ll come back and we can shower and talk and sleep and the act more like human beings. Then tomorrow we’ll leave this crowded (though lovely!) hostel and head to our English immersion program, where we’ll have a bedroom to ourselves we can use to sulk or work out apologies as needed.
Part of our problem is even bigger than space. I don’t like being as powerlesss as I am here in a place where I can’t make myself understood in the local language. Our cabbie may have ripped us off, charging a number higher than what his meter read because he thought we’d be paying in dollars. I felt so useless that I let him keep those extra 10 euros because I didn’t want to get into some sort of gesticulation-based fight because I was so embarrassed that that would be the best I could do. I love that this is not myhome because of all the sights and sounds that would never reach me if I weren’t here, but if it were to become my home (which seems unlikely on several fronts) I would have to adjust to everything and I’d have to do it without the sophisticated vocabulary to make my needs known and learn the reasons behind rules.
I write this because I’ve already written in my journal about forgiving Lee and even forgiving myself, but it’s a good reminder that any child we might have will also need plenty of forgiveness and understanding for nothing more than being in an alien world, a strange family with two moms and rules unlike the ones that came before. I know it’s easy for me to fall back on hope that our shared history and mutual understanding will get Lee and me through, but that just makes me all the more impressed by kids who are willing and able to ake that full leap into a new life.