and because everything I write has a footnote

When I talk about things that go on in our relationship preparing us to be parents, I don’t mean that I do or want to treat Lee like a kid. If my child were displaying the constant need for reassurance that Lee does, I wouldn’t handle it the same way. I’d probably try to have some kind of age-appropriate conversation about the topic and maybe even follow the inspiration of someone like Awesome Mom Lisa and make the boundary about strengthening the child’s trust in me as a parent. “I told you three times how great that was and you know that’s the number of support statements you get. If you go do something else that’s great, we can talk about that.” I don’t know, aim for some kind of active and mutually understood redirection that will help the child learn to trust my love and support and also be able to function better in polite society.

But Lee is not a child. This is probably not a habit worth changing in her mid-40s. As long as we both acknowledge it as a difficult situation and work to improve our responses to the issue and remember to be forgiving and loving to each other about it, we should be able to navigate it just fine. And maybe over time Lee will learn that this system works and she won’t need to rely on the pattern of reassurance or backup. We’ll see.

I just don’t want to give the impression that I think I’m getting ready for parenting by parenting my partner, or that I’m like the woman in the popular New York Times column who used animal training tricks on her husband. I’m not doing any of this as a way to assert control or get Lee to do things my way or to baby her or take care of her. I’m just trying to do my part as one half of a committed couple to make sure we’re both getting the outcomes we need. She is doing the same, though she doesn’t have the desire or the wordy inclination to hash things out on a public blog.

So when I talk about my childhood preparing me to be a parent or my experiences with our dog or elements of my relationship with Lee making me more able to handle parenting, I don’t mean that I was acting as a parent in any of those situations. I just mean I’m opening my eyes, learning skills, alerting myself to new metaphors that I hope will eventually be on hand for me when I need them down the road. And I do know that I’ll need them and more, which is why I’m so grateful there are so many others also making their thoughts public. If I’m helping someone else, I’m doing something right. If I’m helping myself do better, maybe that’s even more important!