getting ready

Thanks to everyone who read and responded to my post about Lee’s need for reassurance. I had no idea it would be so popular or that it would seem insightful to people! That shows me there are real benefits to learning from someone who’s had time to age and heal from some of the behaviors and tendencies many of these kids have. I get to see a form that’s probably much more tolerable.

And on that note, Lee actually did make steaks for dinner last night. And unlike my example, she only asked once how mine was. I said it was delicious (which it was) and that I was very happy with it, then elaborated a bit about why. “Oh, Thorn! You always know what to say!” was the response I often get these days. I told her saying the right, true thing was part of my job and that I know she needs reassurance, and that was basically it. I did say a few positive things later in the meal, but she didn’t ask for any more positive reinforcement.

That’s actually getting to be our pattern with smaller things, that if I know how to handle things the way that suits her needs I can generally avoid a long conversation with lots of repetition. There are still big things where she does need the help, which is one of the reasons I so often go with her to school-related events, so I can talk her down afterward when she’s convinced her dean thinks she’s a goofball or something. I’m guessing this is a coping technique, because if she asked the dean over and over for reassurance, the dean would think she was a little odd. So she’s learned how to direct it just to me as a safe person, and it’s part of my role to listen and respond.

I have plenty of other roles too, and today it’s going to be the odd one of pushing her to socialize. We’ll be in Chicago with a group of women I know online, a community of black women with natural hair (and me). Although I met them because I was needing advice about Lee’s hair, they’re my friends rather than hers and she’s been a little bit skeptical about hanging out with them. This is totally a switch for us, because I’m generally fairly shy and the vast majority of the people we jointly know were friends of hers first. Now, though, we’ll be going to Black Pride (which is a gay pride celebration for people of color, not specifically a racial pride thing) and Taste of Chicago and just hanging out and tooling around with people I know deeply online and not at all in person and people she doesn’t know at all. I’m glad we’ll be trying something new, and I expect good things.

And since all that socializing is going to take a toll on me, I’m taking the whole next week off work through a sabbatical program my job offers. I feel so lucky to work for this organization that will give me parental leave, that already gives me far more vacation and benefits than most Americans get. I’m writing this here to remind me I said it when it’s time for me to go back in a week and I’d rather be home, but I honestly do feel very fortunate. And I’ll have a week to get everything of mine moved from what will be the child’s room down to the basement, which is going to be my little area in the future.

Lee said yesterday she’s not worried about having to wait to hear about Mychael. (I, of course, am going through doomsday scenarios in my head. What if we’re not good enough because we’re gay? What if they’ve made a decision and forgotten to tell us? What if it takes TWO months for them to decide, since we can’t get any information on any other children until we have a decision here?) She doesn’t feel like it’s been a long time and thinks in the scheme of things we’re moving quickly on this. That’s true, since it’ll only be a year this month since we started our training classes and there were plenty of holdups along the way. Still, I’ll be clearing out the bedroom and getting it more child-oriented because we’re going to hear someday soon and we may have to be ready to move quickly. I’m glad she’s not having the same emotional response I am, but I think once things get going Lee will be as excited as I am too. I know she’s looking forward to being a mom. We both are. But first we get to enjoy being non-moms out on the town with some new friends from all over the country, and I think we can handle that too.