I was sort of cranky for no reason yesterday, or maybe cranky because work’s been exhausting and my body was aching and I did chores before work and went all the way to Trader Joe’s after work but then wasn’t really captivated by much and then came home to find Lee sleeping, only to have her wake up and ask me to make dinner at 8:00, when I was ready to go to bed.
There’s been a meme making the rounds where one of the things you say about yourself is how you react when the alarm goes off. I can’t handle an alarm. I get stressed out knowing it’s going to be ringing and so I wake up all night to see how much longer I have to sleep. Instead, I wake myself up at whatever time the first one of us needs to be out of bed. That’s usually been Lee lately now that she’s teaching some earlier classes, but that means I get up at 6:00, go down and make her coffee, feed the cat and dog, and then maybe come back to bed to remind her that it’s now 6:15, now 6:30…. Then eventually she’s out of the shower and I can hop in, because I’m generally faster at getting ready for work than she is. We scoot out and our day begins, but sh’es realized it’s sort of stressful for me to have to keep reminding her what time it is when she’s not getting up at her chosen time.
So yesterday the goal was that I’d wake her at 6:30 and she’d pop right out of bed and get going. She got as far as the bathroom when I started feeling guilty I hadn’t made her coffee (because if I don’t do it, she tends to not make it for herself and instead goes and buys some on her way to work, which is wasteful when we have it here!) and so I went downstairs to do that and then remembered I had to sweep up because the cat had broken a glass the night before. I ended up sweeping and then steam-mopping the whole kitchen, even moving the fridge and stove so I could get beneath them. The floor was gleaming, though of course that didn’t last long and I dropped onions on it while cooking dinner and had a bunch of flowers fall when I got back from the grocery. I don’t know if this is all part of some nesting urge or spring cleaning or guilt or what, but I’m sure I was tired because of that too.
So today when I was getting ready to leave, Lee said that she expected some good news today. I think she then went into the office and emailed our Adopt America Network worker Ali (yes, I’m changing her pseudonym to sound more feminine) just to push that along. Ali wrote back that there’s going to be a staffing next week to decide whether we’re officially matched with Eddie. They may need Elizabeth to participate somehow, may even need us. They’ll be getting us more information soon.
And “soon” is a big word here. I mean, as Dawn pointed out after my last post, if Eddie’s going to visit in June (maybe) that’s the June that comes right after the month that starts tomorrow. And I guess the answer to that is something we’ll sort out next week. I assume if we’re matched officially, we can start the process of actually getting to know him, first by talking to the professionals who deal with him and then probably even by talking to him.
It’s amazing to me to think that it hasn’t even been six months since we were going through parts of this same process with Rowan. We weren’t going through the matching process the same way because his parents’ rights hadn’t been terminated (still haven’t, as far as I know, though I’m not kept up-to-date on his case anymore) and we were having our first halting telephone calls to let him know what he was getting himself into in coming to visit us.
I know Lee is really hung up on the fact that it’s been almost two years since we started this whole process and she thinks that’s way too long for people who are actively looking for kids who are overrepresented (black boys) but I’m not as bothered by that. She’s also always believed that things happen when they’re supposed to and so I think she’s happy enough with this on that front. We’re a healthier and stronger couple than we were when we began the process, in part because we’ve had to have so many hard discussions and support each other through the time. I think it’s largely because we had such a positive connection with Rowan and because Elizabeth wrote it up so well in her yearly review that Eddie’s workers think we could be good for him.
I don’t believe there’s anyone magically making this happen behind the scenes, but I think we’re able to build what we’ve lived into something good. I may be tired, but I have options and I have hope.