first contact
January 16, 2011We were at Lee’s school (which I suppose is now Mara’s school) for a sporting event today when a man went up to talk to Lee. It happens a lot that former students want to catch up or current students want to ask something about an upcoming test or something, so I thought nothing of it. When Lee came back to where I was sitting, though, she looked shaken.
Apparently the man was very polite, but he said, “Excuse me, but is that little girl named Mara?” He went on to explain that he’d known her up to her entry into foster care a year ago. His sister, Samara, is the one who’s raising Mara’s full sibling, who’s now two. She’s also the one who placed Mara in foster care because she wasn’t able to meet Mara’s needs. We’d heard negative-ish things about her from Mara’s previous foster family, but I don’t put a ton of credence in what they think. Mara’s social worker is very involved and likes Samara okay and certainly considers her safe.
I was shocked and mostly excited, while Lee was shocked and mostly terrified. She’s been nervous that if Mara’s family members who have already told the social workers that they don’t want to raise her learn that the alternative is a lesbian couple, they may change their minds. And while Lee understands that openness is important and sees what it did for her in her own life, she desperately doesn’t want Mara to leave us. I know it probably sounds like I feel differently, but I’ll say that emotionally all I want is our little Mara forever and yet I acknowledge that if her family can put forth someone who’s a safe and appropriate placement, there’s a good reason that’s the legal priority.
Anyway, I’ve been reassuring Lee that the best way to help her family trust us is for them to see how she’s thriving with us. I know that Samara’s brother told her that, that Mara looked happy and relaxed and that she was very tall. She also apparently looks just like her little sibling. So the brother called Samara back to say he’d talked to Lee and then brought the phone over so Lee could say hello and get Samara’s number. I called Samara tonight and we talked a bit and agreed to get the siblings together for a visit next weekend. (I have already gotten permission from the worker for this contact, but at that point I would have had to work it out by showing up at Samara’s doorstep to ask whether she might be interested, which seemed less than ideal even without Lee’s preference for no contact until after finalization.)
Right now I feel very positive about this. I could tell from Samara’s voice how much she cares about Mara, and I heard a preteen son of hers in the background asking about Mara too. They’re glad to hear that she’s in a home without adult men, because they knew that this was a stress for her. She’s excited that Mara’s speech is improving. She’d raised Mara’s little sibling since infancy and between that and several older boys just didn’t feel capable of meeting Mara’s special needs. I know there was more to it than that, but I’m focusing on the good parts because I see no reason not to.
So the message is about to get out that Mara is with us. I suppose it already had after the first time the brother told Samara that he’d seen us some weeks back. He’d kept his eyes open since, and then today there we were. And next weekend, there we’ll be, getting to know a slightly younger and smaller child who apparently looks much like Mara. She’ll be having her first contact with family in almost a year. And I’m so happy about that part.
The extra bonus to all this is that apparently when Mara’s birthdad went off the grid, he didn’t actually leave the state but is living around the corner from Samara. She says she’s going to give us the address so we can pass it on to the social workers and get papers (I didn’t specify that they were termination of parental rights) served to him. She likes his family but doesn’t think well of him and the child she’s raising is his son too, so she’s more than happy to see to it that he has to deal with the consequences of abandoning at least one of his children, since she doesn’t feel she’s had any relief or justice for the child in her care, who’s never met him. If they’re able to serve him, that would cut two months off the TPR process.
So that’s more or less where we are, though there’s a lot I’m not saying because it’s very much pertinent to Mara and her story. It’s possible all of this could end in heartbreak for Lee and me, but we’ve known all along that living so close to Mara’s family means we should have contact with them and that accidental contact could happen at any time. This seems like a safe and appropriate way to start things slowly. But what’s not so slow is that the word will be getting out tonight to many branches of Mara’s family that she’s sweet, cute, smart, loved, cared for now with us. There’s no taking that back even if we hadn’t agreed to talk to and meet with Samara. But we did and now the word is out. As we talked on the phone, Samara cried and so did I because I can tell that whatever faults she has (and I certainly have plenty myself!) she absolutely loves Mara and wants Mara to be well. She’s trusted that God would keep Mara from further harm and believes that things work out the way they should (sigh; I hate that!) and that if her brother ran into us, it’s because we’re supposed to be in contact. Regardless of what I think of the theological explanations, we’re now in contact with Mara’s family and life is about to get more complex for her, but I hope also richer and better and more full of love.
My godson/little cousin was adopted out of foster care when he was almost three. He just recently ran into biological family members for the first time, at the age of 16. It was very emotional and difficult for him. He adjusted very well and very quickly when he was adopted, but this was something he never really saw coming. I wish it was something that could have been dealt with earlier, in a way that wasn’t such a shock for the kid. It sounds like you are handling this well for Mara. I hope it continues to work out!
Wow wow wow. Give Lee hugs for me, I can appreciate how scary this must be. I hope that seeing what a wonderful job you’re doing with her is a comfort to Samara and her family and that none of Lee’s fears come to fruition. You two are such lovely people that I don’t know how they couldn’t just love you to death and welcome you as Mara’s parents with open arms.
Emotion packed for sure. As an outsider, I think its wonderful that you have that link and are willing to keep contact open for Mara. As the mother of a queer young woman, I feel defensive, protective and angry that you or Lee ever stress about your Lesbian status in relation to your ability to effectively parent Mara.
I don’t know their mindset, of course. Samara is clearly a Christian, though she also dropped the Lord’s name in vain, so who knows whether she gets hung up on every little detail of her particular flavor of Christianity. I think it’s normal that we worry about things we don’t know about. The family members were all asked if they’d take Mara at a time when they knew (I believe) that she was in an all-white home. But we just don’t know what they’ll think of us or what the implications of that might be.
Samara was glad that Mara’s in a home without men so she can deal with her fear of men before she hits her adolescent years, but will she be convinced a lesbian couple can teach her what she needs? I don’t know.
At any rate, if Samara’s brother has seen us at the games before, he surely knows we’re both Mara’s moms at this point. It’s not as if it’s something we’d avoid addressing even if we didn’t meet Mara’s family. So now instead of waiting, we’re going in with truth and hoping the truth that we love Mara and want the best for her will be what they recognize, whether or not any of them decide to challenge our potential adoption.
So I know this is completely besides the point, but did he pronounce Mara’s name the same way you do?
I’m actually going to write a separate post about that! It was something I discussed with Samara, though. I’d suspected from the way the family worker pronounced/stressed the syllable that the other foster family had dropped from her name that either she was mimicking Mara’s mom incorrectly or we were saying it wrong. After talking to Samara, it’s clear to me that we use an “uh” sound where her family says “ah,” but we’re doing things right otherwise, including in the syllable that’s been spelled different ways.
I told Samara that we say the name differently and that it was because we hadn’t known how, that the other family had only used the nickname form. She was frustrated by their part since she’d been trying to teach Mara to say her full name at the time she went into care. She didn’t seem at all bothered by our version, though, and ours is easier to say, so we’re sticking with it for now. I’ll incorporate the other pronunciation sometimes, though, and if Mara ever indicates a preference for it, we’ll respect that. Right now, though, she only halfway pronounces her name as we do it and the most important part is for her to say her whole first name, regardless of what she does with that vowel.
Clear enough? This is hard to discuss without using the real name, I know!
[...] grandmother insists that this was a Christmas miracle just like it was God’s plan that Samara’s brother recognized Mara and approached us almost a year ago, setting off the chain of events that let us finally reunite Mara with her [...]